Here’s 30!

So, thirty happened and honestly, I am still waiting for it to hit me. You know the way people speak about it like it is an age where I should be walking in perfection, making zero mistakes, and constant panicking about being “late” in life (whatever that means). Guess I am still waiting for these to hit. Until that happens, which honestly, is not my portion, I will continue to live this life and live it beautifully. Anyway, I thought I should share some 30 things I have learned or come to appreciate in the last 30 years.

1. Amor fati. Everything that is happening in your life happens because it is meant to and sometimes wanting reason is just too much effort, save yourself the energy. Accept things you cannot change and what you can change, get to work. Change it.
2. Congratulations on learning! Now unlearn, learn, relearn and try again. We have been brought up in a society where we are taught what to think instead of how to think. If you still hold on to the lessons that you grew up with, you are living in a bubble of disaster. The universe holds a lot for you to learn and it goes beyond what you have been brought up to believe. Furthermore, we are living in a changing world, you need to change but do not conform.
3. Learn to manage your expectations when dealing with people, however, meet every expectation you set for yourself, it is necessary and you owe it to yourself. Trust me when I tell you that human beings are difficult. Do everything you have set out to do by yourself first before you expect anything from anyone. It will save you a lot of disappointment.
4. Spirituality and religion; know the difference and adjust accordingly. Most of us confuse these two and we end up living a meaningless life. You can be a religious person; going to church every Sunday, praying every morning, tithing a percentage of your income, but you can also lack spirituality. Spirituality has taught me to focus more on my personal relationship with God, to reflect more on my words, actions and thoughts, and establish a set of values, purpose, and relationships that reflect compassion, humility, fairness, and kindness. After all, we are all equal in the eyes of the Lord. In my opinion, Karl Marx puts it right, religion is the opium of the people. Not that I have anything against religion, but I have found harmony in spirituality.
5. Imagine, it is not a must, does not mean you are not ambitious enough, sometimes IT IS JUST NOT A MUST. They say fight till the last gasp, but what if you are fighting a losing battle? What if you are the only one trying to fight and everyone else seems to have given up? What if the fight continues to drain, devalue and destroy you? Is it worth it? Whatever your answer is, just remember, sometimes, it is not a must.
6. The truth will set you free and if you have a bad memory like me, just don’t lie. Human beings live in fear of the truth, why? Because it hurts. But the same truth will set you free. Free of guilt, it will set your memory free, especially if you forget your lies and even though the truth has consequences, it preserves your integrity. Stand by the truth, even when everyone else seems to be against it.
7. Two things you should never compromise on: Peace of Mind and Time. Thus far, I have realized that sacrificing peace of mind and time (especially when it is not appreciated) is the most expensive sacrifice in this life. Sometimes you have to be “petty” when people do not respect your time because they are yet to realize how important time is, once it’s gone, it’s gone. For peace of mind, that is a non-negotiable, keep off anything or anyone that robs you of your peace of mind.
8. Walk away from where you are not respected. Do I have to say this again? Respect is one of those values that we consistently take for granted. Why? Because we have been wired and taught to “forgive” when disrespected, to “take them back” when disrespected, and to “expect them to change” when they are repeatedly disrespectful. Walk. Do. Not. Look. Back.
9. There is no age limit for anything, just society’s limits. So, take it easy. You will get married when your time comes, have kids when it’s right and all the other society’s “you must have done this by a certain age”. And while at that, why do people always ask “when are you settling down?” or people can’t be settled individually? Just asking! Do not be rushed by people who failed to be patient with their time, made rushed decisions, and are now afraid of owning their failure. We are all running our own races, but most importantly at our own paces. Enjoy the journey in peace. Your peace.
10. If people are not meant to be in your life, let them go. Forcing people to be in your life, especially when they have made it clear that they do not want to be in it is one of the worst displays of lack of self-worth. In fact, the smaller the circle, the more the peace of mind. People who want to be in your life do not need to be convinced, they are there because they want and because you are important to them. TD Jakes sums this up as The Gift of Goodbye. Now turn to your Scriptures and drink from the book of 1 John 2:19. Amen.
11. Family is everything, but sometimes it is perfectly okay to love them from a distance. Isn’t it funny how we ignore the toxicity in our own blood? We choose to stay around people (read family) who are constantly bringing us down, annoyingly trying to impose their beliefs or their failed achievements on us and essentially denying us the freedom to live our own lives. All because we are related to them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not for canceling family members, I am just saying, love them from a distance.
12. My friend, read and travel. You will be liberated. Some people say that reading is time-consuming but think about the time you spend on social media in a single day and ask yourself, what if I diverted that time to reading just 20 pages of a book? I am not perfect with this, but I try and I can tell you, it is enlightening. Traveling exposes you to different realities of life, cultures, and people. You learn to appreciate the world and the people in it. Start small, travel in your own country, you’ll be surprised.
13. Constantly add value to yourself. I am learning to appreciate self-value addition because there is always something new to learn and something to improve. Taking online courses, learning a new skill or improving my existing skills, and committing to habits that make me better are some of the things I am working towards every day. While some of these are working in progress, the goal here is to move forward and remain consistent with the self-value addition process.
14. Joy and happiness are two different things, focus on choosing joy! Not so long ago, I realized that all my life, I have been pursuing happiness and it never occurred to me that what really mattered is joy, and I am sure I am not alone here. Thing is, happiness is external, a fleeting feeling that belongs to the surface of our lives. Joy, on the other hand, is internal, something deeper, a less common feeling brought about by inward peace and contentment. The pursuit of happiness is never-ending, we are always looking for something or someone to replace the last thing that made us happy, buy joy, it lies within us, unaltered regardless of the external circumstances, it is a choice.
15. NO. And that there is a complete sentence.
16. Take calculated risks and be careful with what you are impulsive with, not all impulses are worth “impulsing”, are we together? Learn to think through things before agreeing to them or before doing them. Here’s something I am sure you have come across or heard, “Don’t make promises when you’re happy, don’t reply to anything when you’re angry, and don’t make decisions when you’re sad. You only have one body, take care of it. Your health is your wealth (cliché but true). We live in a society where health is judged by how we look on the outside, yet our insides are dying to speak to us. Begging us to rethink our lifestyle choices and refocus our attention on making better and informed decisions. Being skinny has become the new “healthy” and being overweight is the new “unhealthy.” Whilst I acknowledge that these two have extremes and related health disorders, what matters the most is your inside. Love your body and if you want to change it, do it for the right reasons. However, dear thick girl, saddle up, if he dies, he dies. If you know, you know!
17. It is okay to have a bad day, a few bad days but it is not acceptable to have a bad life. We refuse. Get up, try and try again. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying that we hang on to situations or people that contribute to our bad days. What I mean is that we all have individual struggles and they can overwhelm us, but that is no reason to allow ourselves to live miserable lives. As I said, if it is something workable, put in the work, if it is out of your control, let it go and get back to the drawing board. Sometimes you just need to sit back and apply the black box thinking (Rolf Dobelli, The Art of the Good Life). We accept reality, analyze our flight recorders and try again. Remember, with each crash, the future of flights becomes safer.
18. Sometimes you need a sip of wine, other times a glass, and other times an entire bottle. Just know when to take what. Moderation is key. I do not believe that alcohol solves your problems, in fact, it adds to them. Leaves you broke, hangover, and lonelier because when you get sober, the reality you were trying to escape is still waiting for you. For anyone struggling to moderate, be a little graceful to yourself, start small, eliminate the hard stuff first, keep yourself busy, replace negative habits as you go, and get someone yourself an accountability buddy. I am hoping that with time, we can create accountability groups on this platform. But for now, moderation darling, moderation!
19. I do not care what you think, Cussing is Hella Therapeutic. I said what I said. Period.
20. Just because someone sins how you used to sin in the past, that does not give you a reason to judge them. Extend some mercy to people struggling with what you once struggled with and overcame. Instead of judging them and looking down on them, how about you patiently offer them support without pressuring a certain outcome on them. The goal here is to help them overcome and become the best versions of themselves. And that does not have to be similar to your version of what is best. Being graceful costs absolutely nothing.
21. On matters of the heart, have hope. Just because you have met a few bad ones, it does not mean you’ll never meet a good one. We are all deserving of a beautiful love story. But be wise to avoid unnecessary character development. Learn to read the signs and trust your instincts. If someone just doesn’t feel right or something about them just doesn’t reassure you of the kind of love you know you deserve, walk away with your head held high, you dodged a bullet! In the Alchemist, Paul Coelho speaks of A Universal Language which can be understood by everyone. Love, I believe is a universal language, it knows no borders, tribe, race, place of birth, distance, age, gender, or social status, just to mention a few. Love is freeing, it allows you to be yourself, to pursue your destiny and it brings the best out of you. And let me emphasize that, even self-love is love, in fact, it is the purest form of love, start there because you cannot pour from an empty cup.
22. Be wise with your money, after all, you work hard for it. Some of us have learned the hard way when it comes to money management because schools teach us how to make money but they never teach us how to keep and grow it. So, we have become typical consumers, just spending with very little knowledge on how to save or invest. But be kind to yourself, it is not too late. Let’s learn together.
23. Get into business with a contract, it does not matter how much you trust the person. SIGN A CONTRACT. I cannot emphasize this enough. Trust is a very important possession, just do not give it to anyone because they are telling you what you need to hear. Be it family, friends, or acquaintances, sign a contract in the presence of a lawyer and witnesses. It will save you a lot of headaches and money. Also, avoid these rick quick schemes. You cannot work so hard, earn your money and hand it over to someone who promises to multiply it in 24 hours. Good things take time and when the deal is too good, don’t just think twice, investigate. Do your due diligence, ensure that every investment you make has some form of insurance or security (because even genuine investments fail due to factors out of their control), and most importantly, draft a contract or if presented with one, read and understand it before you sign it.
24. Engage in activities, listen to music and watch things that make you laugh and relax. You need to relax and have a good laugh, so do things that make you feel just that. However, be careful not to pick up negative habits that could affect how you live. To quote Samuel Johnson, music is the only sensual pleasure without vice. If music makes you laugh, listen to it, if you enjoy a good comedy, watch it and laugh as hard as you can, if you enjoy watching live plays, concerts, or recitals, attend as many as you can. Life is never that serious.
25. Understand the generational differences and respect people’s opinions. Each generation has its own beliefs and way of doing things and for us to co-exist, we must respect each other. On so many occasions, I have found myself disagreeing with people of a different generation because their opinions are too backdated or they are moving a little too fast for me to catch up. This has ended up in some nasty confrontations, but I have realized that I also need to be accommodating. As long as these differences do not encourage behavior that offends, belittles, or interferes with basic human rights, everyone is entitled to an opinion.
26. Connect with nature more, and not just the environment, even connecting with your natural self is important. The last few months have taught me the importance of connecting with nature because it is one of the most calming experiences. Normalize sitting under a tree, not thinking about anything, just taking in the beauty of nature. How about a make-up-free day? When was the last time you sunbathe or you’ve never tried it? I know I am due for one soon!
27. Rock bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops will never teach you. At my lowest, I learned who were my true friends, my actual support system, and most importantly, rock bottom introduced me to a different version of myself. It was a moment of reflection on my habits when I was at the mountain top, it showed me how I took so many things for granted and taught me how to appreciate everything I have been blessed with at any given time. I have learned to live in gratitude and humility. Learning to give thanks for what I have has made me appreciate what I have more and stay humble because it can all go away in an instant. Nothing is permanent, but the values learned at the highest and lowest point of life are permanent.
28. You are beautiful and you deserve a beautiful life. Live and Live Beautifully! The goal is to live a quality life that even if it ended today, you’ll look back and be content with how you have lived your life. Sometimes the decision to live life on your own terms can be considered rebellious because you might not conform to what society expects of you, but I tell you this, the worst human tragedy is not living life on your terms. People will have unsolicited opinions on the choices you make in order to live beautifully. But as long as you stand by what you believe in, the person you are or want to become, be stubborn enough to live and live beautifully.
29. Talk to someone, anyone, even a stranger. Just talk. Today, the more human beings get connected to technology, the less social they become with each other. The decision to create this platform is because we are suffering in silence. We have become experts at presenting perfection on social media or even in the presence of our friends because we have accepted to “fake it till we make it,” not to mention the fear of being judged for struggling. Sadly, this has been at the expense of our mental health and well-being. And when someone speaks up, we are so fast to judge them for seeking attention or for being too soft for this life. But I need to remind you that it is okay not to be okay and even though there are very few platforms that allow you to honestly express yourself, consider The Millennial Villager to be a safe space to speak or ask for help/support. Here we will laugh together, cry together and celebrate small and big wins together. Come as you are because you are safe here.

30. Finally, learn to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in the past. They shaped you, taught you invaluable lessons and they have made you wiser. Healing starts by forgiving yourself!

Yours,

The Millennial Villager (TMV)