Recently, a friend was telling me that sometimes they find it so hard to celebrate their peers when they are winning because it is not them or those winning do not deserve it. I mean, we have all been there. Sometimes you wonder whether your prayers are always lingering around heaven waiting for heaven’s gravity to do its thing when you are in your 50s or 60s and have them land on at least God’s lap. You even start to look at what others did and what you did not do, then start making a trend analysis of how bad they are versus how good you are and you deserve it more than they do. I could get mathematical, but I digress. You get what I mean by now. I like to call this jealousy by extension.
Jealousy by extension is when you feel bitter, frustrated, and demoralized (and other adjectives I would rather not list) that another person becomes successful before you or at a time when you have been chasing success and it keeps eluding you. I have been there and, in all honesty, it HURTS- especially in this social media age where everyone’s busy posting everything about winning (none of you want to celebrate failures?). It hurts more when the person winning has a questionable set of “values” or their personality just does not warrant them to win before you. Now it becomes jealousy by extension because first, it is not related to you in any way. I mean whether someone is losing or winning, it is none of your business. Secondly, because we live in a world where timings can never be the same you extending the feeling of jealousy over someone’s timing is exactly…Jealousy by Extension.
While most of us might not get to that point where we celebrate others with no hard feelings, I have found it to be the most liberating experience. My mantra has been summed up in the words of Lauren Gleisberg, “I love celebrating other people’s wins as much as my own. It does not intimidate me when others are winning. I believe there’s enough success to go around for everyone.” The thing is, whenever people around me are winning, I am reassured that one, I am hanging around the right people and two, it is as infectious as it could get because I am next or in line. It brings me peace to at least know that when everyone around me is winning, I am not burdened to carry the weight of their problems and we can help each other through tough times (and good times too).
Now, I must admit that it has not been easy learning how to celebrate others, particularly when I am not winning. However, it is possible to do so.
- Detach
The first and most important thing is to detach your negative (sometimes positive) feelings from someone’s victory. I know I mentioned we should celebrate them so why ask you to detach? Whenever we detach ourselves from people’s successes or failures, we can celebrate or help them objectively. Some of us have a tendency of “success co-ownership” where we want to be included in people’s success to the point of controlling what they do or say because we contributed to it. While this can come off as support, it can also lead to a level of attachment that results in resentment and the usual “if it were not for me, they would not be here.” If we celebrate objectively, we will celebrate them knowing that they deserved it and it will not impact us, if they fail, we offer our support without resentment or constantly needing to validate our role in their comeback. The point is, just detach!
- Behind the Scenes
Most people succeed by purely working hard and making every effort count, the right way. Then there are those whose success, at the surface looks very pleasant, but behind the scenes, there is a foundation waiting to crack. Here’s the thing, not many of us want to share how they succeeded and that is okay, so, as long as you are not aware of how they made it, just celebrate them, if it is illegitimate, karma will do its thing, or the law, whichever acts faster. Realize that people will do anything to be successful and that should not affect how you feel towards their success, you celebrate them and move on with your life.
- Jealousy isn’t Beautiful
A positive attitude elevates you and jealously, makes you ugly brew up a negative attitude. In short, jealousy isn’t beautiful. The abundance in this world should make you appreciate everything around you, even other people winning, because when you give positive energy, you receive positive results. To further touch on this jealousy topic, remember that victory can be disguised in failed processes, wrong values, and actions, so imagine wasting your jealousy time over things that have been founded on decay or immorality. Avoid letting such things get to you, leave things as they are, wish them well, and keep your head up.
- Focus on You
I know this one is hard because human beings are created to discuss other human beings, even when they do not know them. I am guilty of it too and working on it, but it is not easy, I mean gossip sometimes feels like a warm cup of coffee and a side of chocolate cake while bird-watching and enjoying a calming sunset. You know what I mean, it can be irresistible. However, when you focus on what you can do better and learn from those winning around you (mostly the positive stuff because we don’t want you in prison or d*ad in the name of winning), then you have mastered the most important thing, self-elevation. Celebrate others, learn from them, and add value to yourself.
- What You Share Vs Reality
I do not know who needs to hear this, but “fake it till you make it for the gram” won’t make you feel any better about yourself, at least in the long run. Social media has put us in a very interesting spot especially about “faking” a life we desire because someone else is living it. Learn to embrace your reality and share it (if you must) with honesty. When I decided to deactivate my personal socials, this was one of the reasons why I did it, the pursuit of perfection. Wonder why I called it “pursuit” because we keep chasing perfection and we will never achieve it. Realize that even some successes can be shared to illicit some reaction to a specific person and you need to be careful not to let that affect you because…behind the scenes, the reality is saddening. So, live your reality, that way, you will be realistic with your expectations even when others are winning and you are not (yet).
With that said, mine is to remind you that the power of your timing is in knowing that when others are winning now, it does not mean you have been forgotten. A little delay does not mean it is denied. Your time is coming, celebrate others as they win wholeheartedly and believe in everything you do. After all, we all cannot win at the same time unless we put all our laundry in the same washing machine, IYYK 😊
Until Next Time,
TMV.