19 SIGNS OF NARCISSISTIC PARENTS

A majority of Africans or Kenyans were raised by narcissistic parents. It’s a sad way to start this blog, but that truth cannot be refuted. In a time when therapy is readily available, Kenyans are taking the initiative to work on their mental health after the realization that some behaviors they have inherited or acquired are not normal or tolerable. The quest to understand themselves better, live a peaceful and happier life, and bring generational cycles to an end is pushing Kenyans into therapists’ seats.

As a strong therapy advocate, I came to realize that most of the trauma we are dealing with stems from our childhood. The African or Kenyan narrative has been to leave children to figure out their emotions by themselves. Unfortunately, most parents believed, their role was to simply provide for the physical needs of their children and for them to “learn the rest from the world”, and boy did the children learn. However, a majority of the parents were emotionally regulated and they did not pass down their emotional abandonment issues to their children.

The situation is worse with a narcissistic parent. These parents consider their children as a commodity, an investment that will be used to inflate their sense of importance. They are often characterized as individuals who need excessive attention and admiration. Narcissistic parents lack empathy and struggle with fragile self-esteem making them vulnerable to any form of criticism.

Relationships between narcissistic parents and their children are always unpredictable. The children feel like they are always walking on eggshells because their parents’ moods and behavior patterns are erratic. The nature of these relationships is almost always abusive, codependent, and selfish.

Let’s get into some of the signs of a narcissistic parent:

1. Narcissistic parents envy their children’s lives, appearances, achievements, things, and relationships. Envy will result in them trying to sabotage their children as a way to put them down and feel better about themselves. They will make negative comments about their children’s appearance, talk negatively about their children’s partners/spouses, and take credit for all their children’s achievements.
2. They consider any decision their children have made without their involvement or contribution to be wrong and will use these to seek attention from others and feel good about it. Openly speaking distastefully about their children’s choices, criticizing them, and trying to get other people to see how “bad” their choices and children are to them and their authority as parents is common in narcissistic parents.
3. When their children become independent or gain a sense of individuality, narcissistic parents often find ways to sabotage this move. Some parents discourage their children from moving out because they want to control them, their finances, and every aspect of their lives. Children who grow up and have a different identity from the narcissistic parent are considered rebellious because they do not have similar tastes or opinions.
4. They are allowed to be emotional, but their children are not. Dismissing their children’s emotions is common with narcissists because they are the only ones allowed to feel hurt, offended, or angered. They will say or do things that hurt their children and act like they did nothing. However, when it is done to them, they will give an exaggerated account of how they have been hurt and how bad they feel, while making the person who wronged them look like the devil himself.
5. Guilt-tripping their children is a common form of manipulation in narcissistic parents. Some will use phrases like “I have done a lot for you and you are so ungrateful” or break down how much money they spent on you. Some will even blame the child for not having a better life, shame them for mistakes they made or make, negatively compare them with other people, and use unreasonable pressure to get something from their child.
6. Appreciating their children is always accompanied by mentioning themselves. They will always find a way to be the center of attention when other people are being celebrated. In some cases, they take credit for their children’s achievements even when they had nothing to do with them and if they had, they must be at the center of the appreciation.
7. Micromanaging and controlling behavior are other signs of narcissistic parents. They want to be in control of everything and everyone around them and this will force them into some form of structure that they do not conform to or is unrealistic or unhealthy. Control comes from their selfishness to want everything to go their way even though it will hurt their children.
8. Boundaries do not exist with narcissistic parents. They will bend the rules because they believe that these do not apply to them as they are “above the law.” Children who try to create boundaries are shamed and disrespected and this behavior can make it challenging for them to set and maintain boundaries in adulthood.
9. They always want the world to revolve around them and expect their children to play caregiver. Anything and everything their children do must be centered on them. They expect their children to make sacrifices so that they can do or have whatever they want. In some cases, they expect their children to stop whatever they are doing in their own lives to focus on them exclusively.
10. Self-victimization or “the suffering parent” is another tactic to seek attention while bringing their children down. By positioning themselves are victims, their suffering becomes a focal point that dominates interactions and conversations as a way to seek validation and sympathy from people around them or strangers.
11. They raise their children to be a source of obsessive validation and support. They rely on the children to boost their self-worth and make them feel good. Regardless of how they behave, they will expect their children to provide validation. On the other hand, they are disinterested and detached when their children need validation or connection.
12. Love from narcissistic parents is always conditional. They believe that children need to fit into their idea of who they should be or they will be cut off. They use materialism and finances to manipulate their children and withdraw love if they do not conform. In most cases, children tend to understand love as a conditional reward rather than a natural expression of healthy parenting.

    

13. Narcissistic parents are the epitome of perfection resulting in them shifting blame to their children. By shrinking their responsibilities due to their missteps, they will blame the children, as they tend to be cruel when criticized or called out on bad behavior. In public, the parents appear loving and perfect, but behind closed doors, they scream, rage, and criticize their children.
14. They are obsessed with maintaining a “healthy” family image. Narcissistic parents portray a grandiose persona by demanding their family to speak, act, or dress a certain way in public. They suppress the family to hide any struggles and make them uphold a perfect family image.
15. Speaking ill about their spouse to their children is a common narcissistic trait. To divide the family and have the children validate them, they will put their spouses down in the presence of the children or in secret. Using false accusations or lies against their spouses is aimed at making them look like the better and more important parents. In some cases, narcissists use physical violence, and emotional and financial abuse to belittle the other parent in the presence or absence of their children.
16. Narcissistic parents always play favorites by picking a golden child. It is a tactic that is used to maintain emotional control and power over their children. Golden children continue to receive attention and gifts as other children are neglected or abandoned. Seeds of hatred can easily grow in such families as the parents use this to break their unity and use it for their good.
17. Apologies from narcissistic parents are never genuine. In most cases, they apologize to make themselves appear wonderful in the presence of strangers or to deceive people into feeling sorry for them. They barely change their behavior to prove that they are truly sorry. However, they expect others to change but they will not forgive them by constantly bringing up how they were offended by their actions- a cycle of guilt.
18. Narcissistic parents are emotionally immature. They will neglect to nurture their children emotionally and use finances to validate their “support” for their children. In most cases, this validation will be used in the future to remind the child how much of a good parent they were because they provided money. When asked for attention by their children or emotional support, they get angry or deflect. Any accountability will result in gaslighting and the children being ungrateful for their sacrifices.
19. Seeking help from a narcissistic parent can be detrimental to the children. Some parents will appear to act concerned about their children’s problems but will end up turning their children’s problems into stories among people or strangers as a way to seek attention. Others want to know what the problems are, provide a solution, and use their perceived help as a future bargaining chip. Narcissistic parents will use your problems to prove to you that you need them, a way to regain control of your life because they helped you when you were in need.

    

In Kenya, the issue of narcissistic parents continues to affect children into their adulthood, making it difficult for them to develop genuine connections, resulting in self-esteem issues and trauma reliving their childhood by entertaining narcissistic people. Identifying narcissistic traits in parents will help you make the right decisions about your healing journey. Seeking guidance from a therapist will help you heal, develop healthy habits and self-love, and significantly boost your confidence to live a wholesome, peaceful, and joyful life.